Monday blues. Ain't in the right condition to do anything now, cos' I'm basically, utterly disappointed in myself. Who to blame? Me. Obviously. Not self-contradicting but what the fuck is wrong with me these days.


And all I can think of, I can't think of anything that has caused my grades to fall, tremendously. Okay, no more tears. Blame myself. Crying for myself, oh no I'm so pathetic. Or maybe, it's cos' of the expectations I have for myself, hence resulting in today's disappointment... Just the first day of a new term, everything's starting to screw up.. What can I see for other days upcoming.. Dark and gloomy ones. Just in one day's time, I feel so emotionally disabled, I feel so beaten up by everyone, their marks, their grades; everyone's improving. In just one day, two tests are gotten back and what, you kidding me with these shit scores.. What can I do now.. Just  by trying to tell myself it's okay cos' it's just CA1, just trying to tell myself success isn't such an easy thing to achieve, just trying to convince myself I've tried my best and be contented.. Does it really help. In the end of the day, I'll be brooding over it again, thinking about how dumb I could be at studying, studying the wrong stuffs, using the wrong and ineffective ways to study. No, I'm not doing it for my parents, I'm doing it for myself. 



Pretty much adding to my stress and anxiety, there's class allocation talk today during assembly. Are teachers deliberately trying to pressurize us further, or they think we're really in the right mood to even think about what subjects we're going to target for next year. I don't even dare to have visions for future now.. With so many obstacles coming up to me... I mean, who could have the mentality and strength to overcome.. I have like tonnes of things to do, once I get stressed up nothing gets done. What's worst, my parents don't expect anything from me. I rather they scold me at least for not doing well instead of encouraging me to get better. I don't blame them but... at least tell me off.. It gets so uneasy whenever I feel like I've left them down, yet they constantly forgive me. I know I can do it, but just this darn part of me that's trying to pull myself down. What's happening, I really have no idea.. Am I on the right track where I was supposed to be.. 

Here's what my life is currently revolving about.. 


Here's what my life was once revolving about..

So.. Just being a councillor and not being able to play my instrument cause such changes..? Or maybe it's just the way I approach my studies and distractions that are making me like this. But.. I really shouldn't give up on my music, sometimes the melodious piece of music could drive me to study and create more inspiration and of course, make my brain more alert.... Alright. I guess this sums it all and I shan't dwell on it and continue letting it drags my life.. A brand new day tomorrow, a brand new term starts. Whatever that's done, is done. SA1 is coming, I will buck up and get the ideal results I want. No more crying over spilled milk, time to start the battle babe.

"I can do all things through Christ which strengthens me." Philippians 4:13 

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