Life ain't gonna be better. It's so much tougher and scarier now. Like I said, I really need to find someone to talk to, be it the people from church or a psychiatrist.


Have you ever felt left out and inferior in school, home, anywhere; to your friends, peers and everyone? That 'ugh' feeling you have in you, isn't it very despondent and self-pitiful. Yup, that's what some of us are feeling, so am I. Okay, I'm not gonna rant, just explaining some stuffs.. Today, I'm gonna elaborate on, my CCA.

Starting of the year, I made a really big mistake, that it, to join Volleyball. Okay, no more secrets, I'm gonna be honest. I thought is was cool and like awesome if you were a Volleyball player. Though I didn't have any background for it, on that trial day, I thought I would really put in effort to master the skills. Beginning of it, the training we had were kind of decent one. Of course, all training are exhausting. Everything went okay, at a constant pace, we're still gradually developing our skills but improvements did shown. However, it's until when coach became somewhat biased (though he himself don't think so) towards some of us and things started falling out. As there wasn't enough Sec2s for zonal competition, they needed two more Sec1s for reserve. So yeah, the two got chosen and they just simply got their CCA points just like that. I really wonder though, what's the point of putting in your utmost efforts, trying to be the best (okay, I'm always that competitive) and trying to be recognized, and then in the end, all you get it just, "Okay, training has ended, bye". And then you think, 'Dang. Training tomorrow again. I have to face them and it'll gonna be 'another' training". What I'm trying to say is that, I want people to treat us all equally, not in this biased condition. What coach has done, it's simply trying to imply that, in his eyes, some are good; has met his expectations; he wants to groom them, some are just okay; barely made it; that's it, the rest are hopeless; couldn't even play. So, he indirectly has given up on some of us.. He didn't really focus much on us cos' upper sec were having competitions. But hey, we're going for match next year too, ain't you suppose to train us well.. Like seriously, look at our batch now, you expect us to win with just a couple of legible players? Bullshit man. Though we look really hopeless sometimes, I hope someone could just drop from heaven and salvage us. I believe even those not really good ones are able to make it through.

This lead so absentees. Gradually, cos' of church and other stuffs, I wasn't able to make it for Saturday training (another reason is cos' of my back....). And other team mates started to skip as well. So now, even during holiday training, we have at most only 6 players, just enough to form a team. I really appreciate those ain't that good to come and get tortured for 4 thorough hours. A lot of us, sadly are complaining that they want to switch CCA, but they have no idea where to go. But, staying here doesn't make them happy, why force themselves.. So now, there's like only 2 true players.. All crap. I don't know why, the sight of someone just makes me irk. Somehow, she gets all the attention just mainly cos' she has background for it? Joke. Since coach has them, why the need for us to give our all during training, get so damn tired and exhausted? Yes, for our own good, to win competitions. But if all of us are treated so unequally, some of us would seriously feel inferior and thus, damaging our psychologically minds, causing destruction like wanting to escape. Yup, like me. Like a coward. If we would change CCA, we'll have to start everything from scratch or may be even being looked down by our peers. Take today for an example, a DSA student came to join us for training today. Guess what, she's like a gazillion times better than us. Our jaws dropped, literally. Coach sort of reprimanded us in front of her. How embarrassing can that be.. She'll surely be thinking that she can overpower us someday and of course, be the best cos' once again, we don't have background for Volleyball. That really put us in a difficult spot... It's really nerve-racking and puzzling, whether to continue to see what's going on next, or just simple leave. Today training, I thought it's gonna be a good one since we combined training with guys, turn out as boring as ever. Last part of it, they get  to play match while us, the Sec1s did physical at a corner. Looking at others, looking at how enjoyable they were, all faces were hung with a broad smile, all aggressive at court, all ever-ready to give their best shots, gosh. Why can't we be like them. Why must we be the ones left out. Why isn't anyone out there that could speak up for us... I really want to know how some of us (actually only one) manage to enjoy this process man. It's so fucking retarded and cell-killing. Maybe, I'm the only that's feeling like this? Nah. Okay. So everything is interconnected. Thus, I'm hereby to announce, I'm gonna leave this school. Don't ask why or make your own assumptions.. It's really hard for me. Alright, maybe I shouldn't talk about this. Hope it'll be over, yes I know it will. After a hurricane comes a rainbow, but why is the sky still as gloomy as ever?

Once in a lifetime, means there's no second chance. Since I've chose this, does it mean I have to stay like this forever? But since regretting is trying to break me apart, is it best that I escape from my own problems and start anew again? Though a selfish solution, but it's for my own good. That momentary greediness, is it a sign of retribution? I hope someone could give me the answers I want.

Made by Paula. 1 2